Rita opened the door to her old apartment and went inside. She hadn't been there in quite awhile,and most of her things had already been moved over to the new loft her and Chris had bought right after they had married.She was glad now that they had never got around to putting it on the market ,as they had planned to do with both thier old places.Now,her old apartment would serve her well for the short time she would need it.While her husband had been making plans for thier daughters burial,Rita had been making other plans.It had hurt like hell to know all the pain she was causing him.
She settled on the couch,and leaned back against it...remembering now so many things...so many times where she and Chris had sat there,either watching movies or talking. How many times had he sat there with her and cheered her up over one thing or another?He had always been there for her,and she had always been there for him as well...but now...when he needed her the most,she couldn't.Instead she had to take away all that she had already given of herself. "Chris...forgive me." she whispered into the stillness in the air.
Tomorrow,he would be at thier babys burial.....and she knew she wouldn't. She would cause him more pain then just the baby's loss,and her heart would forever carry that burden. In another week,she would be able to move into the new apartment she had rented for herself and she would be far away from here. She would leave Chris,and her entire life here in Palm Beach,and although she really didn't want to leave, she saw no other way....those she loved were here too.She would leave her Chris,but she truly believed what she was doing was what would be best for him.She would always love him,treasure the memory of of him,but she could never be with him.He deserved the chance to live his life,and she couldn't take that away from him.She loved him so much...perhaps too much.He would learn to move on,and someday,he would find the happiness he deserved.He had suffered enough,and it was because of her.
She would see to it from now on that no one would ever again pay the price of her love
The next morning Chris buried his tiny daughter.It was just a very small service,with Harry and Fran,George and a few of thier other friends. His father had finally called last night,to express his sympathy,but also to tell him he couldn't come down because he was in the middle of a very important trial. His mother probaly still hadn't even recieved the message because she hadn't even called.However it wasn't these people who Chris noticed missing there. Deep in his heart,he really believed that when the time came,Rita would be there to say goodbye to her daughter.
When the service was over,and everyone had left,Chris made no move to leave himself.Harry and Fran noticed his hesitatation,and told him that they would wait for him in the car. Chris went to stand by the tiny coffin and began talking to his little girl. He hoped he could make her understand why her mommy wasn't there.His heart was shattered by her absence,but now he couldn't even find any hatred there.He could not hate her....although at times he wanted to.He knew how she was feeling.
Always in the back of his mind,he knew why they had lost thier baby,and it wasn't because of what she believed it was.He saw the truth every day when he looked into the mirror. If he could have,he would gladly trade places with his daughter.He had lost his daughter,and now he was loosing the only thing he had left worth living for...Rita
She stood a distance away,absolutely sure she wouldn't be seen,and watched as her husband said goodbye to thier daughter
"I'm so sorry Chris...if I had only stopped it all before it went this far...." A gentle breeze swept by her,picking up her quiet words and taking them away with it.
Harry and Fran took Chris back to his and Rita's apartment where Fran made lunch for them. Chris hadn't said much to anyone the entire day,and now he sat in the living room staring at the telephone.
"Would you like me to call her for you Chris?" asked Harry.
"What? Ah...No...thanks,Cap.I don't think she wants to talk to anyone anyway...'"He cut off his sentence because his voice began to break.
Harry reconized the need for his young friend to talk.The next hour he spent listening as Chris poured out his heart.
Unknown to them,Fran had also heard every word,and she decided that it was time for her to pay a visit to Rita.She knew Rita Lance pretty well,and up until now she had decided to allow her to find her own way thru her grief. Somewhere along the way though,Rita had lost herself in it ,and now she needed to be brought back out .....and Fran Lipshitz was just the person who would go in there and shine a spotlight in the direction that would lead Rita back to them.
She arrived at Rita's apartment an hour later,carrying some of the lunch she had made earlier.She knew Rita wouldn't give any thought to eating a thing,unless she was forced to,and bringing her lunch gave her the perfect reason to see her.She knocked on Rita's door,and a minute later,Rita opened it. Fran could tell she had been crying....so she wasn't as thick-skinned as she would have everyone believe...a good sign.
"Hello,Rita...I brought you some lunch...can I come in?"
Rita opened the door wider for Fran,knowing she didn't really have much choice anyway.She had never been able to out will Fran,though before she had never really wanted to either.
"Thank you Fran...that is so kind of you. I'll put it in the fridge,and heat it up later,I'm not very hungry right now."
"I was thinking I'd heat it up for you right now instead...I'm sure you haven't eaten a thing all day,have you? It will take only ten minutes to get it ready." Fran was in no way ready to give up just yet.
"Fran...please don't go to any trouble."
"Really Rita..it's no trouble at all..I want to. Now you just sit down at the table awhile...and keep me company ."
Silence thickened the air...and Rita sat down. She knew Fran inside and out and she could tell the woman had something on her mind,and Rita could just guess what it was about.
In the few seconds that had passed,Fran's mood suddenly changed now,that of a pleasant visitor,to one of a dissapointed mother.
"Where were you today Rita?" She kept her back to her,as she went about preparing a salad to go along with the chicken casserole she had made.
Except for the sound of the knife slicing into a green pepper,not a sound could be heard.Rita sat at the table,twisting her hands,playing with her fingers,wishing she had never answered her door.
A moment passed by before Fran broke the silence between them.
" Rita...I'm going to get right to the point here with you...We both know why I came.You missed your own baby's burial service...you walked out on your husband last night,and for the last several days now,you have been withdrawing from me,and everyone else.I understand how much your hurting...but you can't run away from it...you should have been there with Chris today....he needed you."
Rita closed her eyes,looking for the reserved stregnth she knew existed within her,and held her emotions back.She would not let herself break now.
Franny had turned just in time to face her,and she saw Rita turn rigid now.She could see the walls in Rita grow higher,right before her eyes..Rita stood,about to turn and walk away.
"Your running again,Rita Lorenzo!...You go!...Run as far away as you can...but it's not going to work....because your not running from anything but yourself!"
"Please Fran...why can't everyone just leave me alone! " Rita walked away now,leaving Franny in the kitchen by herself,but not for long. Soon,she was following Rita into the living room.
"Rita.....I'm not going to leave you alone,not when I 'm standing by watching you destroy your life! You are going to stop running away,just for a few minutes,and you are going to listen to what I have to tell you! Now you go over to that sofa,and you sit down,and I swear,if you move an inch,I'll call in reinforcements to back me up,do you understand!"
Rita knew she wasn't kidding. If she didn't want to have to face Chris,and Cap,and whoever else Fran could think of to call,she would have to listen to the lady. She sat down,and stared ahead,holding onto whatever will of her own she could.
Fran began,with still a trace of annoyance in her voice.
"You are so much like I imagined she would be...I guess that is why I felt about you the way I did right away......" She heaved a sigh, readying herself to go on.
She would be your age now,give or take a few months.....so,I always looked at you when I thought about her....and when I did it didn't hurt as much.It was like I had her,in a way..."
She turned away from Rita,going over to the window,as if she knew now that Rita would go nowhere. She continued on with her story.
"Thirty -two years ago,I gave birth to a daughter myself. In those days,even giving birth at seven months,most of the babies that age,would die.Not that it mattered anyway,since she had died while inside of me. It was the worst feeling,Rita.......knowing that somehow I failed her as her mother.....that's how it felt. It wasn't easy for Harry either.....but in time we managed to get past the sorrow. The thing that hurt the worst for us though was that we were told I could never have another child.....we had tried so long to get pregnant,and then we lost her...and we would never have another.....It was like loosing more then just that one baby...we were loosing all of our children."
She looked over to Rita now,tears in her eyes.Rita just sat on the sofa, staring ahead.
"It was just so easy to open our hearts for you and Chris ....it was like we had the children we always dreamed of,and what was especially wondeful about that was that we saw in the both of you a need for parents also.
"When this happened to you,dear,I went home and just broke down crying....Just knowing that you,who I think of as my own daughter,was going through everything I had ."
" I heard Chris confiding in Harry. I just want you to think about this,dear. You have a wonderful man who loves you more then life.He would do anything for you and I know that you love Chris just as much.Whatever you think you'll accomplish by shutting him out,it's not going to work...you know that. He is in your heart,....and so is that baby. You can deny all you want that she existed,but that won't make her go away..and you know that. The heart never forgets,Rita."
Fran saw Rita's unshed tears ,saw the trembling of her hands. She decided she had said enough for now. She would leave and give Rita some time to think over what she had said.However,she needed to say one thing more before she left.
"Rita...I would have given anything to have had the chance to be a mother again. "
She reached over now,and took her friend into an embrace,then quickly left. Rita had said nothing the entire time.
Love Remains by LMT
Fran was very concerned .She was very worried about the young couple and the effect this tradgedy was having on thier marriage. She had hoped that bearing her own soul to Rita would in some way make it easier for Rita to expose her own grief.All she could do now was make herself available to them in whatever way they needed.Rita,was making herself obsolete,it seemed, so it was Chris's pain she saw the most. Chris was growing very depressed.He was sore and his recovery from the bullet wounds was slower then he would have liked. He was loosing everything that made his life worthwhile,and he was sick with worry for Rita. Fran tried with all her might to bring Chris's spirits up,but she knew there was only one person who could do that.
It was the day after the burial ,and Chris still hadn't heard from Rita. He knew Fran had gone over to talk with her,but the hope that she had found a way that would bring Rita back to him ,slowly began to fade as the hours ticked by.He had finally tried to call her,but he only got the answering machine.It was getting harder and harder for him to give her the space she wanted ,but he was also afraid of pushing her away further.He had no idea of what he should do now.All he knew was that he desperately wanted his wife back with him,and he was willing to do whatever it took
The constant ringing of the telephone pulled him out of his thoughts,and he went to answer it,knowing that Fran had gone out shopping for some things. "Hello,Lorenzo here"
'Ah...yeah..My name is Judith Riley,and I was looking for a Miss Rita Lance...I called the number she had given to me,but no one answers,and then I called her work number,and was told I could find her here ..may I please speak with her.It's very importat."
"I'm sorry...but she's not here right now."
Would she ever be again,he thought.
"This is her husband...may I ask what it is in regards to"
He could hear her pause,and then she broke her own silence.
Judith Riley really needed to get this matter taken care of if Miss Lance was planning on moving in within the next few days.
"Yes,if you could please tell her that her realator called...I'm afraid that we have had a minor problem with the plumbing ,but until we can put in an entire new system,she cannot move into the condo.. Now,we are prepared to lodge her in a nearby hotel for the time being,if she so chooses...I need to know if this will be alright or does she have somewhere she can stay for another few days"
Chris thought he was misunderstanding her...a realator? Why did Rita need a realaltor? Slowly he began to understand...she had taken a new job,her note had said.
"Ms.Riley...I'm sorry...could you tell me which town this was in again.....she may have somewhere to stay..." Chris said.... wanting to know just where Rita was planning to move to.
"Atlanta" She was becoming suspicious about this,but it was too late now.
"Oh....well,thank you Ms Riley...I don't think you'll have to worry about finding her another place though...she can wait a few extra days to leave Palm Beach,I'm sure. I'll see to it that she gets the message however,and thank you."
He hung up the phone,now,and felt a spark of the old anger towards her that he thought he had gotten past. How could she plan to just leave like that? No wonder she wouldn't allow herself to open up to any of them...she was preparing herself to leave them all behind.
'Your not leaving me Rita...not like this...." he thought.
It was during his checkup at the doctors office later that day that Chris decided enough was enough...if he was going to loose Rita,he was going to go down fighting.He would go over to her place just as soon as he left the doctors office. He needed to see her,to make sure she was still well,and to try one last time to fight for the woman he loved with all his heart.. He knew that this would be his last chance....either she would withdraw further away from him or by some miracle,he would win his wife back.She had finally brought him to a point where he had nothing else to loose.Why then,did he suddenly feel a new sense of hope?
She knew he had the doctors appointment and thought it was the perfect time to go and pack up her things.She had put it off until then so that she didn't have to see him again,not sure she could stand another confrontation with him.She let herself in,and sighed gratefully that he wasn't there,and set about gathering her things as fast as she could.After going through the living room,and taking a few of the pictures there,and getting some essentials from the bathroom,she went to thier bedroom.As she gathered her clothes and packed them into a suitcase,she realized she would need the other one,and she went to the hall closet,where she pulled it down.Turning around,she realized the room she faced...it was the baby's room.Slowly she took a step towards it,hesitating a few seconds before she hastily turned away and went back to the master bedroom. By all outer appearances,she was calm,but with in her,a nerve had been exposed now and left her on edge more then she had already been .She went over to her dresser ,and she slid off her engagement and wedding ring,and put them in her jewelry box in exchange for the guardian angel pin she took out .She put the pin on,close by her heart,not willing to give it up,as she remebered when Chris first gave it to her.
He had ponted to a little box that sat on a tray of food he brought to her.
"What is it?" she asked,picking it up,and beginning to unwrap it.
She looked up at him when she saw the pin.She was touched..it was so beautiful.
"It's your guardian angel" he told her.
"I always thought that was you." she smiled back.
"It never hurts to have a back up."
He walked over to her now,and took it from her, to pin it on her vest.
"You keep it close to your heart." he said softly,looking into her eyes.
"I do." she said.,looking back into his.
Her eyes grew blind now with tears at what she had just done,but she forced her mind to be more determined then ever now.Quickly she went over to the desk that sat in a corner of thier room.She didn't see the pink box through her blurred vision,and her arm bumped into it and spilled the contents of it onto the floor.
It was only the frustration of the moment at first that caused her to suddenly sob,and fall down to pick up the mess she had made.
It was what laid on the floor around her that caused her to loose the little composure she had left and had been fighting so hard to keep. The contents of the box that her husband held so precious had spilled and as she went to pick it up,she saw the picture. A very tiny baby looked back at her. Her baby...... she had Chris's eyes.....Rita couldn't tear her own eyes away,as much as she wanted too......she had never seen her baby.....could this tiny baby really be hers? She was so perfect.......she looked just as a real baby would look...only so much smaller........The numbness her heart had been feeling suddenly dissapeared.
It had been easier to pretend that she had never really existed before.She wouldn't have to feel the pain then if she didn't let herself think of her baby,but now she was being forced to confront her reality. Others had tried and failed,but the photo of this very tiny being,made everything so real to her now. She had carried a child within her,a child that she had wanted very much.
When finally she could pull her eyes away from the picture,they rested on a pink blanket,and she tenderly lifted it,feeling it's softness,and smelling the scent of her baby. Keeping the blanket close to her heart,she picked up the bracelets,and choked back another sob now,as she saw her babys name,and her own,listed as the mother. She had been a mother....It had been all she ever wanted,to have this child. Her baby had meant everything to her.The life that had existed inside her had been all her dreams come true, all her hopes and expectations, and the symbol for a love that wouldn't die.Her child had been her assurance for the future,and a healing of the past.But she had placed too much on this innocent life,she had expected so much from her baby's birth...daring to believe that a baby could end all the sorrow.That with it's new life,hers would have a new start as well. Instead ,she had brought death to her child..........not the life she should have,not the life any other mother could give. Inside,she felt a mounting sorrow rise ...... and she tried desperately to force it back down again.......she didn't want to feel it.....She couldn't let herself feel it! If she allowed the pain to come,she would want Chris,would need him...and she couldn't ever need him so much again.Needing and loving someone that much would only bring more pain in the end,and the end always came.....She took in a deep breath with the hope of reviving herself. Instead she was crushed with an overwhelming and emotionally shattering force in which she had absolutely no stregnth left to fight anymore.
Chris let himself into thier apartment,and his senses picked up right away that she was there. He had gone over to her apartment and she hadn't been there.......now he realized with a sinking feeling why...she had come to get her things....packing to leave town,to leave him. He began to die inside.
It was only a few seconds later that he heard the the sound of her crying......and he silently went upstairs to thier bedroom.He found her sitting on the floor,with the mementos of thier babys brief life scattered around her. She was falling apart right before his eyes,and his heart broke at the sight, yet he didn't make a move to go to her .He stood in the doorway now,concerned,but also immensley relieved,as he watched her break down. As much as he hated seeing her pain, he knew it was the best thing for her. He gave her the time to grieve in the way she needed to .It was a few minutes longer before he felt he could stand it no longer to watch her suffer alone.
She was rocking back and forth now,holding onto the blanket,as her sobs took her breath away.He came up behind her then,and took her shuttering body into his arms and just let her cry,knowing that this was just the beginning for her.
'It's okay,honey...let it out.I'm here. I'll always be here." He held tightly to her,and his own tears came with hers.
She turned into him,clinging to him,and he waited in silence,without any words,but letting her know he was there for her with his touch.Finally her sobs grew quieter and he heard her softly whisper."I'm sorry"
'No, Rita....you don't have anything to apologze for."
"Yes...I do....for the baby....for her burial,for everything." Once again,she began to cry.
" No,sweetheart.....please,it's okay.."
"It hurts so much Chris...it's worse then all the others....I can't stand it anymore...it doesn't go away...I try to make it stop,but it just doesn't stop....it will never stop!"
She cried as she poured out her heart to him,not really aware even of what she was really saying.
'I know...I know....but Rita...You have got to let yourself feel the pain,as much as it does hurt....you have to.....Honey,you know I'm here,I'll always be here for you,to help you.I promised you I wouldn't let you down,and I could never do that.....We 'll get through this,you have got to believe that." His voice sounded desperate.
" Believe what Chris? I don't know if there is anything to believe in.I always tried,I really did....but I can't anymore,Chris....I can't. I give up...I don't even know how to anymore,or even want to try...it's all I've done my whole life,but I just can't do it anymore, I just can't believe anymore".
He could feel as she began to pull away from him,and he held on to her fiercely.
"No,Rita....You can't go now...I 'm not letting you go ,not like this.You are in no position to make choices that will affect the rest of your life,and mine."
"Chris....please let me go! I can't be with you.!"
"Your my wife,Rita,of course you can be with me...we need to be together now....Sammy...I need you!"
Sammy..... just that one word ,yet it held so much meaning.
If she hadn't been already sitting on the floor,she would have swooned most likely.Chris watched as her face paled and felt her body weaken as the little stregnth she had summoned for herself to leave, instead left her.For the first time in days she looked him in the eye and with tears still falling from hers,she spoke only three words.
"Chris...help me..." It was a plea that came from deep within her and was the last thing she could do before she was completely depleted.
He picked her up into his lap and sheltered her with his arms ,feeling her body shake with her soul wretching cries. He held onto her as tight as he could, and all the while his own tears were falling.
It was another half hour before he realized she had fallen asleep.Carefully,so not to wake her, he picked up his sleeping wife,and carried her to the bed.He tenderly caressed her still wet,and very chapped cheeks,and kissed her swollen red eyes.
"I love you,heart and soul,Rita...I will find a way to make you believe again.....I promise you that."
Love Remains by LMT
He made a promise to his wife and he intended to keep it. He had to find some way to bring her a new sense of hope .An entire lifetime of lost love and broken promises was standing between them.Now,as he layed with her in his arms, he remembered a conversation they had a few months after he had been shot by Debra Boushard.
"Look Chris...I've made a decision.I'm gonna call it quits."she had said.
"You what? What do are you talking about?"He knew she was going through a tough time,but this?
"It started when you got shot...and I thought I was going to loose you.I must have pushed those feelings down somewhere....cause they're back.It's like I don't see colors anymore....everything is gray,and I'm so tired of feeling hopeless."
"Your only hopeless if you give up the fight."
His own words echoed in his mind now,as he watched her sleeping,nestled in his arms,She was so at peace,and unaware of all the sadness that would descend again within her when she awoke.She had really given up the fight this time.
He wished he could keep her at peace with herself forever.
For the few short minutes it lasted,he was able to do that.
"I love you so much,Rita." He only whispered the words,but they were enough to wake her,and now she opened her eyes ,seeing where she was,and remembering.
Instead of getting up and leaving though,she only sat up,and pulled her knees into her chest.
'Good morning sunshine.....how are you feeling,hmm." He reached over and gently moved some hair behind her ear.
"My head is really hurting....do we have any aspirin?" She put a hand on her neck and began to rub it.
Chris leaned over to her,and gently kissed her cheek.
"I'll go get it for you." he said
"Thank you. she whispered,laying her head back onto the pillow.
When he came back,she had her eyes closed,and he thought that maybe she had fallen back to sleep.He lightly swept some hair away from her face,and she opened her eyes again,and sat up.When she had taken the aspirin,Chris climbed back into the bed with her,and wrapped himself around her from behind.He gently kneeded the sore muscles in her her neck and shoulders. After awhile he pulled her back to lean on his chest and she came willingly, but he immediately felt the tenseness in her as she did.
"Just relax,S.." he almost called her Sam,but stopped himself,not wanting to hurt her . It would be a tough habit to break,but he would do anything for her.
They layed silent in that way for several minutes.
Finally,Chris knew it was time to say what she needed to hear.
"Rita....You know that I love you ?" He said it as a question to her,rather then a statement.
She kept her silence another minute.
"I love you too."
"So why were you trying to leave me last night."
"Chris...don''t.....please? I just want to hold you."
" Fine Rita... but we still need to talk about this...it's time."
"Chris...I'm afraid....I love you so much..." she said ,looking right at him.
"What are you afraid of,hmmm"
Now she turned away from him,not willing to meet his eyes.
"That I will loose you..."
He smiled slightly then ,shaking his head at her.
"Sweetheart....You were ready to leave me....isn't that the same thing?"
Now her eyes began to fill with tears ,and she quickly tried to force them back.
"No...it isn't." '
"Rita...I know what your thinking.....and it's not true. "
Rita sat up now,and got herself out of the bed.Chris suddenly felt her loss and his heart ached with it's incompleteness.
"It is true,Chris...it has to be...there is no other reason for it!"
"Reason for what,Rita?" he knew ,but he wanted her to say it,out loud.
"For everyone always dying!" She bent forward now,as if she was in pain,and she was,but not physically .
"I love them all...but they all die....they always leave me!.....Why?' She was looking at Chris,but he could tell she wasn't seeing him...she was somewhere back in her past now,and her next words confirmed he was right.
"Daddy left! He said he would get better..... I begged him to wake up...but he wouldn't! Why did he do that?"Why did he want to leave me...I loved him!"
Chris was at her side in a minute.
"I don't know why ,baby,but I know it that it wasn't your fault!"
"Yes....it was.I should have helped him...he didn't have anyone else but me...my mother died...she died when she had me! I was the one who made her die,and Brent,he did what my daddy did,he shot himself ...and my friends,they keep dying.The Lances,they were so sweet,I really loved them...but they all die,Chris,don't you see..You almost died twice because of me....and now our baby.........Oh God....Chris...our baby! "
"No Rita!.....You have got to stop blaming yourself"
"Who do I blame then? Why does everyone I love always leave me?"
"I didn't leave you....I came back because of you! Rita...I could never leave you!"
"But you will! Someday you will !"
"No I won't. I'll never let you go."
"That is why is why I have to leave you!"
"Rita......you can't do that" His plea came out from somewhere deep within him,more of a cry.
"I can...for you I can."
"Not for me,Rita...Your running away from your own fears.It won't stop you from hurting ." He tried to convince her,for her sake and his own.
"I know.,but at least you'll be alive."
"I may be alive,but my life won't be worth living without you in it."
",Chris...... I want to stay,I do...but if I do ,it will all be gone!"
"What will be gone,Rita?"
"Me...they'll be nothing left of me.....When you leave me...."
"I won't leave you Rita,I promise."
"You can't promise something like that Chris!"
"Look Rita...your right. There are no guarentees in this life...which is why we have to make the most of what we'er given.Tell me...what kind of life would it be for either of us if I let you go now?" We'd both be miserable without each other.Rita...I need you....you are apart of me.You are what completes me! I would rather have you here today with me,knowing I would die tomorrow,then live the next fifty years without you!"
She stared at him with a horrid expression on her face,shaking her head form side to side.
"And just what will remain of myself when that happens? "
She turned and walked out the bedroom door,leaving Chris to relive a day from earlier that week. It was happening again.He was going to loose Rita,this time,for good.It was over.Nothing he could say would reach her and ,make her understand,not if she wouldn't allow herself to.She was leaving the thing she wanted most. Love.
"You leave me,Rita.....,but my love will still remain....! I love you. I'll always love you!" he shouted to her. It was all he could do now,his own hope was leaving with her.
A minute later,she was back in thier room, fresh tears on her face and looking so very defeated now.
"I can't leave you....... why can't I leave you?"
He outstretched his arms for her,his own tears now freely flowing as well, and she rushed into them.
Love Remaines by LMT
Christmas day was spent quietly,niether really in a celebratory mood,yet both happy to be together.They called Fran and Harry,who were delighted to hear that they chose to be alone, instead of thier usual dinner with them ,and arranged to meet with them the next day.
They made dinner together while they talked ,and then sat in each others arms, and talked some more. It was Rita who brought up thier baby this time.
"She was so beautiful,wasn't she?"
"Yes...she was.I wish we could have seen her,gotten the chance to hold her."
"I had the chance to Chris...and I wouldn't. I wish I had...I'll never get that chance again now."She looked away.
Chris stood up and walked towards the bedroom. When he came back out he handed her another picture. I was one she hadn't seen before,one Chris had hidden away.
Rose was dressed in the most beautiful white christening gown,the one the hospital had put in the box with her things.Rita stared long at it,and tears came to her eyes.
"She looks like an angel ,Chris."
"She is an angel,she's our guargian angel. Now you have one up there and one down here.
She looked over at him now,wiping away her tears.
"This time,having a back up hurts Chris."
He took her into his arms again.
"Yeah,I know,I know....It hurts alot.." he said,holding onto her.
Now it was her,who comforted Chris as he cried,revealing to her that sometimes it was himself who he blamed.
"If only I had followed procedure...I should have....maybe I would never have been shot...maybe you wouldn't have had to go through all that,Rita.Our baby might not have come too soon then.
"No...Chris.Don't you start now. It just happened. Maybe it would have happened if we had been home eating dinner."
Together,they both came to see that they both still had much to deal with,but they would do it together,and with the help of a counselor.
Later that evening,feeling tired and spent from the days emotional toll,Rita decided to go to bed early.However instead of falling to sleep as her own body craved to do,her mind kept her tossing and turning.
She went into the living room instead and sat watching as the colored lights twinkled on the Christmas tree that they had put up the day before thier world fell apart.They had been so happy,laughing and teasing each other,and talking about thier baby.
She let the pain wash over her again now,and it did.
Her heart was almost brimming over with all she let herself feel now,but she didn't want to cry anymore.She had cried enough. She found herself instead,with a tablet and pen in her hand,and released the feelings she had that were threatening to bring her to tears once again.When she finished,she was surprised to find that for the first time in her life,she had written a poem,and as she read over it,she no longer felt like crying.She actually felt better then she had in a week.
Do not fear my precious lost child,
for the Lord Our God,on you has smiled.
You were concieved with your parents love
however Jesus needed you in Heaven above.
The gentle beat of your heart was stilled
to become an angel was what God had willed
I know in time they'll will come a day
when my heart won't cry with such dismay
of never knowing my little one,
of never seeing your life begun
One day in Heaven,I'll see you dear,
and our hearts will sing with cheer
Until then ,in each and every day
you'll be in my thoughts as I pray
God must have needed angels above
and those are made from only the truest love.
So dear sweet baby,please understand
that we are apart of God's great plan.
Rita went over to where Chris sat,watching the news,and she seated herself into his lap. Without a word ,she nervously handed a piece of paper to him."What's this" he asked,pulling her closer to his chest.
"Read it"she told him,suddenly feeling timid about it.
She watched his face as he read it,and worried as he sat there with tears in his eyes.
"Chris?" She started to pull away from him.
He looked at her now.She absolutely amaxed him,more now then ever before. .
"Rita...honey,it's beautiful....you just wrote this?"
She shook her head,looking away. "I never wrote one before...I didn't even know I was doing it...but it just came to me....you really like it?"
He tilted her head back towards him,and tenderly caressed her cheek.
"I love it...and I love you."
He brought her closer to him again,and they spent the rest of the night that way.
It wasn't easy for either of them over the next few months. It was awhile before Rita could bring herself to allow Chris to make love to her again.Always in the back of her mind,she was afraid of getting pregnant again,of everything happening all over again.It was a new fear she had to learn to get past. Chris waited patiently for her,understanding, and in his own way,needing that time for himself too.
They both went to a weekly couseling session,sometimes together,and learned how to deal with thier sorrow.In her private seesions,Rita dealt with her past,and learned to put it behind her once and for all,and in his,Chris learned ways in which he could help her do that when she couldn't do it herself.
Chris and Rita walked slowly through the small cemetary that sat on a hill overlooking the Atlantic Ocean.Chris carried two pink balloons for his daughter's second birthday.They hadn't been there since last year,but they never forgot her. She would always be in thier hearts,where thier love for her remained.They soon stood in front of the small headstone that Chris had made engraved with Rita's poem to thier daughter.
Beside the stone,stood a small rose bush that Chris had planted the year before.
Several roses were in full bloom now.
"Look Chris...roses in December." she said to him in awe of the sight.
Chris tied the two balloons to a branch of the little bush.
"That's strange this time of the year.I think our little Rosie is trying to tell us something."
Rita began to lower herself to the ground,and Chris watched carefully,as he helped to guide her down.
When she had finished trimming up the bush,she held out her hand and Chris helped her to stand up again.
"Ouch!" Rita jumped.
"What is it ,Sam.....are you alright?" he asked her anxiously.
She smiled at him,her eyes lighting up.
"I think I just felt the baby kick me!"
She took his hand and put it onto her stomach.Soon another kick could be felt.
Chris became excited."There it is again! Did you feel that,Rita?" he asked.
She laughed." I guess I did,beings that this little one is inside of me!"
"Wow....it's so hard to believe that our love can create a new life,isn't it?"
"No...not for me.I can believe it. "She smiled at him,and leaned over to kiss him,not realizing just how much her simple statement meant to Chris.
He had finally found away to make her believe again.
It's a Girl!!!
Christopher and Rita Lorenzo
are thrilled to
announce the birth of thier daughter
Samantha Rose Lorenzo
born at 1:28 pm on April 4th ,1998
6 pounds and 2 ounces
18 inches long
What makes you stay?-Deane Carter
Look at me,I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be
I don't have the stregnth to fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave
So tell me why I keep holding on to something
I just cannot see
What makes you stay ?
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
when you can't find any hope
What makes you stay?
I'm not afraid of living alone
I was alone before he came
And I've been in love before
but this time is not the same
I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I want to do
What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
when it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
when you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay?
When it goes this deep feels this strong
I can't convince myself
this love is wrong
At the end of your rope
when you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away.
Tell me what makes you stay?
Love Remains - Colby Raye
We are born one fine day
Children of God ,on our way
Mamma smiles,Daddy cries
Miracle before thier eyes
They protect us,till we're of age
and through it all ,love remains
Boy moves on,takes a bride
She stands faithfully by his side
Tears and sweat,they build a home
and raise a family of thier own
They share joy,they share pain
and through it all love remains.
Kingdoms come and go but they don't last
Before you know the futere is the past
In spite of what's been lost or gained
We are living proof,that love remains
I don't know,baby,what I'd do
On this earth,without you.
We all live,and we all die .
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up
the seasons change
and through it all love remains
an eternal burning flame
Hope lives on
and love remains.
The End of the story......
but Love Remains.........
I was sent an email by someone who had read this story and then wrote a poem about it.I asked her if it would be alright to add it to the story,and she honored me by saying yes. If you all like her poem,please let her know it,since she is kind to share it with us all.!
"But Love Remains" Samantha Kegan
But love remains-
When the story ends-
And the stage lights fade to black.
But love remains-
When we die-
And we know that we can't come back.
An overwhelming feeling
When our hearts fill with joy-
And we see what we hold in front of us-
A new life-A baby boy.
No matter what happens in life-
In spirit we are always together.
And together we will watch him grow-
Build a life all his own-
And deep down we will know
How much he loves us.
But love remains-
When you try to leave me-
But something holds you back.
But love remains-
When the curtains fall-
And the stage lights fade to black.
Once again...thanks to Lisa,for still helping me through the long and painfully slow process of teaching me how to do this web site thing...and to Lorry for her faith in me in learning so that I can post her stories as well,and for her encouragement in writting this story. The characters are not mine...we all know that,and niether are the songs at the end...I just put them there because I liked them...they went with the story. The poem however is mine,and is dedicated to two very special little angels in Heaven.
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