|Warning: This story is not the usual fluff and sappy romance I mostly write,nor does it have a crime for Chris and Rita to solve. One day as I was watching Jasmine, I found myself very enthralled with how wonderful Mitzi was in the scene at the pshychiatrists office. That had been a field that has always fascinated me to begin with,and as I watched it,I got to thinking about Rita's past. It is really very sad,and I think that if a real person had had as bad a past as Rita did,it would most likely have a major impact on thier life.I wrote this story to delve into Rita's physchy....as I think she would feel and act when she went through somethingthat was very devastating.....other then loosing Chris!. I have always thought that the character Rita had so much inner stregnth,but I wondered just how much she could take before all the deaths and close calls got to her,and what she would do when it all finally became too much. Be forwarned before you even start to read this story,I have been told it is extremely sad,and although it does end with a happy ending,you must go thru the entire story to reach that part.So if you do not like sad stories,please do not read this.... Also...you may not like some of the beginning either...but I ask that you bear with me...and you will be rewarded for your patience! |
I would to thank USA and the creators of Silk for giving us all the characters of Chris and Rita,and for not minding that I borrow them to continue a story they started. I thank Mitzi Kapture for the wonderful job she did with the scene that inspired this story,and my good friend Lorry who has helped me through it all,from giving me imformation,to all the encouraging comments,and for helping me find a way to keep Chris and Rita together when the story went astray. I also would like to thank another good friend Lisa(taurus) for all her help in making my own Silk site to post my stories. Thank You Everyone!
Love Remains by LMT
The little girl hurriedly climbed the two flights of stairs that led to her and her fathers new apartment.They had just recently moved into the building,and although she liked thier new place,she still missed her old house.She used to have a swingset and a yard in which to play,but here she had nowhere to play at all,except for the park two blocks away. She needed a grown up to take her there,and most of the time her daddy didn't feel well enough for that.
It was a beautiful spring day outside,and she longed to go to the park and play with her other friends who went there after school.Maybe today she could really go! Her friends mother who had walked them both home from school had just said that Rita could go with them,all she had to do was ask her father.
She knew he would say yes.....and maybe even today he might want to take her himself! Yesterday he had hit her for the first time ever. She had cried so hard,because she didn't even know what she had done. She had only tried to make him his dinner because he wasn't feeling well. Instead,she ended up breaking her mothers favorite salad bowl and he had yelled at her,telling her it was her fault and she couldn't do anything right. She began to cry and that's when he hit her.Later that night,he came into her room,and held her in his lap,and he said over and over again how very sorry he was,then he promised her he was going to get better...he told her he had to, because he loved her so much.He even poured the whiskey down the sink,and told her it was poison...it was what was making him so sick now. Finally,everything would be the way it used to be .He would never hurt her again.Her daddy had promised her.
She called out for him even before she had opened their apartment door. She was so happy and excited.
"Daddy...Guess what! Jamie's mommy said I could go to the park with them if it's alright with you! Can I go?" She was greeted with silence,but that wasn't unusual.....maybe her daddy was sleeping still...maybe he wasn't better yet.
She went into the kitchen and poured herself a drink.She was thirsty from walking home. Her impatience got the better of her though,and she left the drink on the counter and went to wake her daddy up.
He wasn't in his bed.or anywhere in his bedroom. Her daddy was up! Maybe he would really take her to the park!
She walked over to the bathroom now....the door was slightly cracked,but she stood outside and spoke through the door.
"Daddy...I'm home from school...can we go to the park today?" He didn"t answer her.
Slowly she opened the door,and walked in.He was in the bath tub. "Daddy......I....." She saw his clothes were still on. Funny daddy.
"Why are you taking a bath with your clothes on Daddy? " she asked him.
He still didn't answer. Maybe he was still sick?
She went closer to him now,seeing him."Dadddddddddeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris was awake....she felt him gently squeeze her hand,heard him softly call her name to wake her. He had come back to her,as she knew he would. He would be fine ...everything would be fine now
"Hi" he said to her weakly.
"Hi"......there was releif in her smile.
"Don't move,I'll go get the nurse" He was so pale. She stood,feeling a twinge of panic,but not knowing why.
He reached for her hand,taking it into his,not letting her go.
"Sam...I got everything I need right here"
She searched his face,trying to understand what it was she was feeling. It scared her.
"How do you feel ?" she asked,needing to know he wasn't hurting.
He seemed to understand better then she did,"I feel good" he replied.
She smiled at him. He really would be fine.
'I knew you would pull out of it,I knew you would come back to me" Her grateful words sounded more like a desperate plea.She was still feeling so shaky,so afraid. He reached over to wipe some hair from her face,to wipe a tear that rolled slowly down her cheek.He felt as she did too,only he knew why he felt that way,he understood.Now he had to make her understand. His voice broke as he said what she needed to know,what he needed for her to know.
"I'm never gonna leave you....We'll be together forever." It was almost time now,he could feel it.He saw her smile one last time.He couldn't help the tears that came to him. He loved her so much.
"I love you" she said .
"I love you...."
She came closer to him,brushing his lips with a soft sweet kiss.
"I know" she whispered to him.
He heard the beeper from the machine then..... he couldn't see her any longer,but he could hear her cries.............................................
She was suddenly awakened,being pulled away from him,and now she understood why she felt so afraid. It hadn't been for real....she had been dreaming...or was she dreaming now?
She watched the doctors and nurses all gathered around him...her Chris....and all she could think about was the romantic dinner she had been planning to surprise him with.All his favorites,and she had spilled all the damn groceries on the ground when Montoyas goons had taken her.
The doctor was shocking him now...his heart had stopped?
No!...no....not again! This wasn't happening again......This was the nightmare she realized....she had to wake up!
"Chris!" She wanted to call for him,but no words were coming out...her heart was being torn from her chest....it hurt so much!......."Chris!" He would hear her,and shake her awake,if she could just make her voice work.
She could no longer stand.She felt herself loosing all the stregnth she had...felt herself sinking.All she needed to do was wake up!She heard herself,she was crying now...maybe Chris would hear her now and help her to wake up.He had done that before during her other nightmares.He was always there to make them stop. He would hold her and tell her it was all over,and everything was okay. Soon she would wake up and be lying in her husbands arms...he'd be safe and sound...this would be over soon....it was only a nightmare.
Why couldn't she wake up? "Chris..Please!" she cried these words,but only she could hear them.She needed to hold onto something,but there was only a wall...where was her Chris?...It was a nightmare,the worst one ever,but it was just a nightmare...it had to be,because this couldn't happen again.
Chris would never leave her,he had promised her...they would be together forever.....
The sound of the heart monitor filled the room.but everything else was quiet..too quiet.All those people who had forced her to leave his side,just stood there now....NO!!!! Do something!
Oh God!....this was real...she wasn't caught in a nightmare...this was really happening...No...! No!
All she could hear was that damn heart monitor with it's one long beep...and her own sobs.
It was then that the pain came...not the pain she was already feeling from her heart being ripped out....no...this was another pain.....it was her baby...hers and Chris's baby! She couldn't stand to feel the pain anymore....it was too much....to much.......She felt the blackness come over her...and she welcomed it,as her last thoughts were of Chris and thier baby.She had loved them so much.....but it was happening again.
When she awoke,she was lying in a hospital bed.Had she been dreaming after all? Where was Chris,and why was she here,she wondered.The confusion lasted only a brief moment...soon all the memories rushed to her,bringing with them her true reality,and no longer providing her with the luxary of denial.She closed her eyes in a vain attempt to block out some of the pain that came with those memories.
"Oh Sam...." she sighed,now feeling a fresh new wave of agony wash over her.
Her heart whispered many thoughts of him ,and yet the only word that she could speakwas his name.Never in her entire life had she ever felt so lost and alone as she did right then,and she knew she would always feel that way until she drew her own very last breath.
It was then that she remembered her baby,remembered the pain she had felt rip right through her.Her baby....her precious little baby.
"Shh,Rita,don't cry" She felt someone wipe away the tears she hadn't been aware of shedding.She turned toward the voice,and saw Franny. She knew it wouldn't be Chris...it would never be her Chris.
"I'll call for the nurse."
"No,Fran"She looked up into the face of the woman she had often thought of as her mother figure.
"I have to know first...I had so much pain......how's the the baby? I lost Chris...please not the baby too? " she begged Fran to change things.
Fran gazed down lovingly at Rita,and took her hand. She wished it could be Chris who was here for her now.
"Rita,no,honey...you didn't loose Chris.He's hanging in there,honestly.The doctor says he's out of the woods now,and he'll make a full recovery in time.
He put a scare in all of us,but he came back...he's coming along well now,and growing stronger by the hour.In fact,he was awake earlier,and asking for you."
It was wonderful news,and Fran relished giving it to her.She watched the expressions on Rita's face turn from doubt to amazement,and then to pure joy,as she began to comprehend what Fran was telling her.Chris was alive!
"Chris...he's alive? He didn't die?"
Fran smiled and leaned over to embrace Rita.
"No,he didn't die,honey.They had given up on him,but Chris showed them.They didn't realize what a fighter he is.He came back."
Now Rita practically jumped out of bed,ready to go see her husband,her very best friend was still alive and she wanted to be with him,right then and there.
She was taken by surprise at the sharp pain that came to her,it took her breath away and forced her to lay back down. Her hands went to her stomach immediately.The baby! She had forgotten about her baby.All that had mattered to her was that Chris was still alive,but now all she could think about was thier baby.She looked to Fran with pleading eyes .
"Fran...Is the baby okay too?" she managed to ask,but already knowing what the answer would be,suddenly feeling what the answer would be.The tears she saw in Fran eyes confirmed her fears.
"My baby?....I lost my baby?...our baby?...No!...not the baby,Fran...not our baby"
She began to cry,and this time she knew it wasn't just a horrible dream,it was reality....her reality.
Two days after he had been shot,Chris was sitting up,and although he was still pretty weak,his color was coming back. As long as he was on his pain medicine,he felt fine,except for being exteremely anxious to see his wife.He was under strict orders to stay put in his bed,and up until now Chris had been able to follow those orders easily enough,since he had spent most of the time sleeping.
Now,however,he was awake,and he wasn't planning on spending one more moment in this bed,not as long as Rita wasn't there by his side.It had been hard enough for him to learn that Rita had been admitted into the hospital as well,but what was worse was that he had no idea of why. He hated that he couldn't be with her either.He had tried to compromise with them,and have them move Rita in with him ,or vice versa,but he was told it couldn't be done. He was determined to find her,he needed her,and he knew she needed him just as much.They had just gone through a experience which had almost caused them to loose each other,and now that he had escaped death,all he wanted to do was just hold tightly onto her and never let go.If they wouldn't help him,then he would help himself. He slowly rose from the bed,groaning at the pain it caused. He hadn't taken his pain medicine last time around ,it made him sleepy,and he didn't need to sleep. He needed to find his wife.
As he made his way across the room he began to wonder if he could make it after all. Damn! All he wanted was his wife...what was so wrong with that?He didn't even know which floor Rita was on,or the room number...hell! He didn't even know why .He bent forward,trying hard to bear all the pain he was having.All he needed to do was concentrate on finding Rita.
"I'm coming Sammy...I'm coming" he whispered. He didn't see or hear the nurse coming thru the door,just in time to force him back to bed as the last of his stregnth gave out.
"Oh no your not,Mr Lorenzo! It's back to bed with you...your not suppossed to be out and about yet,it's much too soon! Just what do you think you were doing?"
He needed to catch his breath first,to stop his head from spinning before he could speak. When the nurse finally became just one and not the four he was seeing earlier,he spoke to her.
"Rita,my wife...I want to see her."
"Mr Lorenzo...I'm aware that your wife is here in the hospital also and I admire your devotion to her,but you can not jeapordize your own health! She wouldn't want that now,would she? The more you rest now,the sooner you'll feel better,and the sooner you'll be able to see her. Okay?"
"Then let her come to me...bring her in here...we'll share the room.I know she would want to be here too." He tried to reason once again.
She knew the real reason of why his wife wasn't there with him then.It had been decided that until the circumstances had changed,he would not be told anything about his wife. That decision had been fine while he had still be so out of it,but now this man wouldn't be kept under control too much longer.
I'll see what I can do",she said truthfully.She only hoped that there was something she really could do.
"Thank you,nurse...what is your name " he asked ,as he tried to glimpse her name tag.
"Lorry" she said smiling
'Well,Lorry,,do you think you could at least tell me why my wife has been admitted.?" Is she okay? We were caught in a line of bullets,and I'm worried that she got hit.I thought she was safe,but everything is still blurry yet in my mind." He paused then,and smiled slightly."She is six months pregnant,you know. I just want to make sure she and the baby are alright."
Lorry had to force herself to keep her emotions under control. She had learned already that the mans wife had lost the baby.He hadn't been told yet,because naturally he would want to see her,and he hadn't been strong enough.Physically,his wife would be fine,and even now she was well enough to come be with her husband,but she chose not too.It was her that kept them separated,not the hospital,and Lorry knew that the situation would now have to be dealt with,and soon.
"Well....I'll go see what I can find out about her,but you have to promise me that you will stay in that bed...is that a deal,Mr Lorenzo?"
Chris knew when he was beat,it would have to be a deal since he would never find Rita on his own. He nodded yes,giving Lorry one of his charming Lorenzo smiles that he knew always got him his way. Lorry just shook her head,laughing.Earlier that morning ,she had given him a sponge bath and they had talked. She was impressed with this man,he had alot of character,a great body and that dazzling smile that made her melt. She was very glad this guy was already married,because she could see herself falling hard for him,if he hadn't been.
An hour later,just as she was about to finish her shift,, and go upstairs where Mrs Lorenzo was,she ran into Captain Lipshitz and his wife.They had been here quite often,and she had gotten to know and like them very much.Always,one of them would stay with Mr Lorenzo while the other would visit with his wife,but this time they both came together and both looked very upset.
"Mr and Mrs Lipshitz...I'm glad your here. Our patient is coming along quite nicely now,but he is also becoming irritated and impatient with the way things are.He wants to see his wife,and I don't think we have any other choice now,but to tell him what happened..I get the impression he would move heaven and earth to be with his wife.She wasn't surprised to see them both nod thier agreement with her.They knew Chris Lorenzo well enough.
"Yeah...we were going in now to talk to him...he called us a little while ago." Harry Lipshitz shook his head sadly.I just don't know how to tell him...and when I do,he'll be so devastated...and he'll want to see her....they'll be no stopping him then.He'll insist on going to her,and when he does...." Harry shook his head again,staring glumly ahead,and lost in his own thoughts.
"She is still refusing to see him,?...I don't understand...why?" asked Lorry. She hadn't met Mrs Lorenzo yet,and she couldn't understand her motives .Her husband had been shot,and he as well had just lost a child,shouldn't they try to face that grief together?
"That's what we don't understand ourselves.It's not like Rita at all to be like this."
"Well,she has just been thru a terrible shock...maybe she just needs some time" Lorry said,hoping to give the couple before her some encouragement. "Please call me if there is any problem...I'll hang around just in case,and I am so sorry."She truly felt sympathy for these four people.
"Thank you,you have have been so kind" Fran said to her,before she turned and followed her husband,who had already started for Chris's room.When they entered his room,they saw him sitting up and also looking very miserable.What they had to tell him wouldn't help his demeanor either.
"Hey Lorenzo!Your looking good....it's about time that you get that lazy butt of yours back into shape ,I know you wanted some paid leave,but this was going a little to the extreme,don't you think?"said Chris's captain with forced cheerfulness.
"Cap! Franny! Where is Rita?" Chris started with his questions within the second he saw them enter."Was she hit? Why is she here in the hospital too..Why won't they let me see her?" Chris's voice relayed the irritation and fear he was feeling.
"No,Chris,she wasn't hit" Franny told him,as she reached for his hand. Chris looked up to her,then over to his captain,and mentor.Harry Lipshitz would or could not look him in the eye.The look on his face set off the panic that suddenly began to overwhelm Chris.
"What is it...what's wrong...where is she Cap!"
Harry Lipshitz looked over at his wife,and saw her tears.It took his own inner reserve of stregnth not to allow his own to fall.
"DAMN it,if somebody doesn't tell me now what the hell is going on there will be hell to pay!" Chris shouted.He had suddenly found a new source of stregnth himself , and now nothing was going to keep him from finding his wife.
Harry closed his eyes ,wincing at the pain he could hear in his young friends voice,When he opened them again,Chris was staring at him intently and expectantly.
"Cap?" the younger man pleaded.
"Chris...Rita wasn't hit. She was here with you,and she was fine...And then...well...it was alot of stress on her. The monitor had gone off,and they were trying to bring you back....she watched it all as it was happening.....and she thought you died. Chris.....she went into early labor" Harry said it the only way he knew how to,getting right to the point.
"The baby only lived for three hours,Chris. .........I'm so sorry"
Franny wrapped her arms around him,seeing the look on his face as he began to understand what he had just been told.The poor man had already suffered enough,would be for a long time now,and yet there was still more he needed to be told.Chris felt much the same way his wife had a few days ago when she had thought she was loosing her husband,it felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest.He wasn't even sure if he could take the next breath that he needed.All the while a soul wrenching sorrow rose from deep within him,sounding screams only he could hear,and he felt all the pain his memories brought now,as they cut deeply into him.His mind whirled with images of his wife,himself and the child they had dreamed of,and he cried for that loss.He cried for Rita,and himself,and thier lost child. Cap and Franny held tightly onto him and let him pour out his soul ,even crying with him,seeing the man they thought of as thier son,hurting so much.
It was awhile before he could finally bring himself to speak,to say the only word they knew would come to his lips first.
"Rita" It was barely a whisper but it spoke volumns.
"I have to go to her" he said,already beginning to stand up.
It was Franny who gently pushed him down again,holding him back.
'Chris...no"she shook her head sadly. He looked up at her,trying to understand why she would stop him from going to Rita.Normally he adored this woman,but now he shot her a lethal and darting look.
"Franny...we just lost our baby....we need each other,and I am going to her now!" Chris hesitated before he added the rest of his thought.
"She is okay otherwise,isn't she" he asked,afraid of the answer they would give him...afraid he would also loose his wife when they answered him.
It was Harry who was quick to lay his fears to rest.
"Chris,yes,physically,she is fine.It's just that she is going through a rough time right now,with all that she's been through.She just needs time...give that to her,alright?"
"No....I need to see her...Cap,I know Rita needs me too.This is something we should go through together...why should I give her time...she shouldn't be alone now!"
"It's just that she isn't herself right now....she's very depressed,Chris. We told her that you were awake now,that you wanted to see her,but she refused to come here. She doesn't talk to anyone....the only responses we get from her are when it's suggested she goes to see you,or when we offer to bring you to her. Then she's very adamant ,and she insists she doesn't want to see you. I don't understand it myself Chris" Harry shook his head ,expressing his somber mood.
Chris began to understand now,and he leaned his head back to the pillow,as he closed his eyes,sighing.When he reopened his eyes ,it seemed to Harry and Fran as if Chris had almost expected his wifes rejection of him.
"Cap,Fran...that is exactly why I need to go to her now.....she does this,she always has. She is withdrawing ,it's the way she deals with her pain,but we can't let her. She'll shut us all out,if we do.I'm going to her...now will you please help me?"
Cap nodded his head yes,It was the only thing he could think to do. He knew Chris was right. They both needed each other ,and hopefully Chris could convince Rita of that somehow.
They went and got Chris a wheelchair,and helped ease him into it.As they passed the nurses station on the way to Rita's room,Lorry saw them go by,and smiled slightly at them. She said a silent prayer for the young couple. She had seen how much his wife had cared for him,as she had held his hand,urging him to come back to her.She had also seen the love he had felt for his wife as well. It did her heart good to know that love like that really did exist.
Love Remains by LMT
Chris went in alone.He saw her sitting in the bed,just staring out the window. The sight of her that way,the desolation he saw on her face,shattered the already broken pieces of his heart. He wanted to take her into his arms so badly,to make her pain better for her,as he had done so many other times in thier past.This time,he had no idea of how to do that.His own heart was bleeding just as much.
She heard him then,the sound of his breath,she knew it so well.He really was alive. Her Chris was alive. It was the joy she felt for his life that made her turn to him,suddenly her resolve to let him go, vanishing. Then she saw his face.. He knew,she thought...he knows about our baby.She couldn't bear the look she saw on his face,and turned away from him again,back to the window
"Rita....how are you feling"? he hesitantly asked her.
At first she didn't speak,not knowing what to say to him. How did he think she was feeling!
When she found her words,she spoke to him,without any of the emotion that she actually felt.
"Your looking good...I'm glad your recovering." she was honest with him,and her voice softened a bit as she told him this.
Chris heard a soft whisper from her then...and he wasn't sure if he was suppossed to have heard it all all
"that your alive...."
An uncomfortable silence filled the air between them then. In all the time they had known each other,nothing like that had ever happened before. Chris couldn't stand the tenseness any longer.
"Sammy...Oh honey....I'm so sorry about the baby."
She heard him call her that name...the name they had chosen for thier little girl, for thier baby,that was now dead. Samantha Rose. It brought her a new wave of the harsh pain,and her heart cried out to him for relief. She longed for him to take her into his arms and tell her everything was fine,that it would all be fine.....but she knew that everything wasn't fine.
"Don't call me that...not now,Chris" She hated that name now, not because of the baby,but because of what it had meant to them
"Rita...Look at me.!" his words came quietly,but demanding.
She couldn't look ,it was too hard to see his face...his eyes.
Seeing his pain would stop her from doing what she had to do,for his own sake. He would never understand. To him,her thoughts were irrirational. He had often tried to make her see that,to help her overcome the fears her thinking had brought to her,and she had really tried to believe in him,that he was right..On the surface,it was easy to ignore her feelings,but she knew that they were always there,no matter how much she tried to rationalize it
God knew how hard and often she had tried to talk herself out of the ridiculous thoughts.If anyone else would have told her they believed such things,she would be the first one to tell them things like that just couldn't be.It was illogical to think that way
Yet,with her,no matter how hard she tried to overcome the fears,they always turned into her reality,making her believe a little bit more each time ,until now she had no choice but to admit it and accept it.It was a part of her life,always there,making it's presence known.Her entire life had prooved it to be true. There was death within her,beginning from the moment she had been born. She had inherited it's curse.
Every one of us has our deepest ,inner most thoughts,which we keep to only ourselves. These were the thoughts in which she hid from everyone,except in her most vulnerable moments,when Chris would sometimes get a peak at.,but even he had no idea just how deeply and firmly these thoughts had been embedded into her soul.
For a short time,she had thought that she had finally won the battle that raged within her.Her and Chris were finally together,had finally admitted that they felt more then just friendship towards each other.Thier love resulted in the most wonderful miracle of all,a baby . After many convincing and assurring talks from Chris,they had finally gotten married,and the last several months had been like living a wonderful fairy tale.She began to slowly bury the fears once again. For the first time in her life,she wasn't bringing death,but a new life,and it did wonders for her.She was truly and deleriously happy for the first time in her life. She had all she had ever wanted...love for the present as well as the future.
Because she had taken the chance on loving far greater then ever before,it had cost her more then ever before also.It was the most innocent of all who had paid with her life this time.She had lost thier baby,and for the second time she had almost lost Chris as well..He had always been the light in the shadows of her life. He had offered her everything,and in return she gave him nothing but pain and sadness.It had to stop,and she would make sure it did.
As Chris watched her,trying to read the hardness he saw in her face,he saw a steele shield slam down hard,and firmly lock. Her body trembled with the emotions she tried so hard to reign in.He saw her anguish at the words he said to her next,words that even he could not bear to hear.
"Rita...look at me now! We need to talk about the baby....about the arangements that need to be made."
Her body tensed at his words,but still she didn't look at him.
"Chris ...not now...okay.Please just leave me alone now" her voice was harsh,and bitter,at the same time defeated and pleading with him.
"NO!'"He allowed his own words to sound harsh as well."
"Rita...I'm not leaving you now..or ever...and I'm not going to let you shut down on me either! We need each other." He had to choke back the sobs that were threatening him in order to finish what he wanted to say to her.
"We lost our baby ..Rita ..Please!"
In his voice was the sound of her own inner turmoil and it made her turn to him now,He expected to see her finally beginning to cave .Instead what he saw in her eyes scared him,and pierced his already tender heart.
He saw her grief....it was so bare and raw within her...but he saw also hatred,and it was that that hurt the most.He was the only one in the room with her,and she was looking at him,but he knew her hate wasn't directed at him. He reached out to touch her,to caress her face,but she pulled away from him now.
"Don't! Don't touch me.! I want you to leave now..Just go!I don't want to talk about the baby...she's dead!"Nothing you or I say can change that,will it? No...it's over Chris...it's all over.Just leave..Go!"Her voice broke as she fought to keep from crying
"She ?"asked Chris,shocked.He had just learned he would have had a baby daughter.Samantha Rose would have been her name. His little Sammy........A fresh new ache ,causing him such horrible pain within him,a pain that seemed would never go away.
"It was a little girl Chris" She felt she needed to hurt him to make him leave her. In time,when she had a better way,she would have to make it more permanent.
"Make whatever arrangements for her you wish. I don't care.I don't want to be a part of them in any way."'
She briefly allowed herself to meet his eyes,and she knew that if she continued to look into them,she would completely breakdown. She saw his pain,and it was enough to melt her icy heart just a little.She was too harsh.She knew she couldn't force him to ever believe that was true of her,not even for his own life.She had loved her baby so much.
"It's just that I can't,Chris....Please understand?"
Chris backed away from her,realizing he wasn't getting anywhere with her at the moment and afraid of pushing her away further.He needed her to know one thing from him though before he left.
"Rita...I know your hurting....I'm hurting too.She was my baby too. I just needed to feel you in my arms now...that's all I wanted,Sammy"
He purposefully said her nickname,as if to remind her they were more then just husband and wife. They were also each others best friend. He wanted her to know that he could really use his best frind right now.
Rita turned away from him,and he turned to leave,without a word, thinking it was best for the time being.
"Goodbye Chris" she whispered silently,as she heard the door close.
Chris stood outside her door,hearing her sobs. He let his own tears fall,until he saw Fran and Harry make thier way over to him,ready to take him back to his room. Niether of them said a word when they saw Chris,knowing that he had gotten no further with Rita then they themselves had.Sadly the three of them left Rita alone,the way she wanted it to be.
Chris couldn't sleep at all later that night. All he could do was think about Rita. He knew she was going through hell,just as he was. He also knew that somewhere deep inside that high wall she had built,was the real Rita,his Rita,and she needed him.He just needed to figure out how to get to her. In all the time he had known her,she had never been so far away from his grasp as she was now.His thoughts drifted....he knew what was going on with her now...he knew the way she was feeling,and it was more then just the loss of thier baby.It hurt him when she felt like this,but he knew of no way to make her feel other wise.He remembered the many times she had lost friends,thought about how she had been so upset when Brent had shot himself in the head in front of them,about all the nightmares she had had over that.He had been so concerned with getting her away from the gruesome scene at the time that he had barely understood her words,but they came back to him now....
." He shot himself in his head .......he killed himself....just like my daddy..why do they always die..do I make them want to leave me?...do I?"
At the time she had been almost hysterical,and that had seemed what was important then...but now it was her words he remembered.
Another memory flashed in his mind now....they had been standing at a water fountain...her old house she had lived in with her father.....
."I feel like I should have done more....I feel like I failed him Chris"
"No,Rita.It's not your fault...you were just a little girl!" It was then that he had first understood some of the sadness he had always felt within her,though she never let on it was there.
A little seven year old girl with out a mother,trying to take care of a alcoholic father...........A little girl who had lost her mother the moment she had been born,a terrible enough burden for any child to carry around,but then to loose her father from suicide...to be the one to find him........and then years later to have to go through it all again with her foster parents when they were killed in an accident........She had attended so many funerals....and he had attended many of them with her,so many friends who had died .......and now thier own little girl. Chris cried again for his little girl,a daughter he would never know now.Soon ,he found himself crying for another child,another little girl,one he had never known,but whose ghost still haunted his wife.He began to understand how the tiny threads that lead from one event to another were all connected,and made his wife who she was now. She was a small woman,and she had such an angelic look to her,often people who did not know her were misled by her appearance,thinking she was far too gentle for the cruel world of homicide she chose to work in.She would pull out the full muster then,and surprize them with just how strong and feisty she really was. She had to be.,Chris realized,and he knew she was much more tougher then he would ever be. He had gotten so used to seeing her in the way she wanted him to,he had lost sight of the helpless and tender little girl deeper down. Beneath that tough confidence, she was vulnerable and suseptable to life just like anyone else. His soul cried out for her now,knowing that the pain she was feeling was so different from the pain he himself felt.
"Rita.....no.....it isn't true....don't you let yourself believe it is" he thought the silent words in his heart hoping they would find thier way to hers,thru the night and into her restless dreams.
Love Remains by LMT
The next morning,Chris was approached by a hospital clerk,requesting the name they had chosen for thier daughter,as it was required for both the birth and death certificates.Earlier the clerk had gone to Rita,and she had sent him to Chris. When Chris saw the line for him to enter his daughters first name,he couldn't bear to write Samantha down. They had chosen that name together because it was a tribute to thier friendship.Now,he felt if he gave his daughter that name,and then had to bury her,it would be like giving up on him and Rita.He couldn't do that.Instead he named thier child Rose Lance Lorenzo.
Chris had tried to involve Rita in the arrangements for thier daughters burial,but she refused now to even talk about the baby.She had already buried thier daughter in her own way,and so it was Fran who came in to help Chris plan his daughters service,not her mother,as he desperately wanted it to be.
When they had finalized everything,Chris went back again to see his wife. They would both be released the next morning,and Chris thought that they would somehow need to meet half way thru this ordeal if they were going to make thier marriage work.He could see in her eyes the pain he brought to her just by being there.She still could not look him in the eye....and that was what he feared the most.He knew she was blaming herself for the baby,and he worried that she thought he blamed her too.However,he had no way to tell her otherwise,because as soon as he mentioned the baby,she closed up immediately.He wanted to talk about Rose,and she wanted to pretend she had never existed. It hurt him so much,knowing she felt that way....Rose had been thier child...didn't she deserve a mother who would grieve for her loss? He left her room,sickened with the fear that he would never be able to reach his wife and pull her out of the mire she had sunk into.
Lorry came into his room later that evening,to check up on him.She found him sleeping,and so she left the little pink box she had been asked to give to him at his side.When Chris woke up,he saw the box,and read the letter that had been attatched to it.
Dear Mr Lorenzo,
Enclosed within this box are some very special items to help you and your wife remember your daughter.We would like to extend our sympathies for your loss,and offer our support in any way you need to help you thru your grief.
The nurses in OB/GYN WING.
Slowly Chris gathered the courage to lift the lid off the box and peer inside. There were only a few items,but they were suddenly the most precious of his possessions. He carefully lifted out a picture,and saw the very tiniest of babies.He knew this was his little girl,who was now Heavens newest little angel.
Her appearance was so fragile ,so pink,that he knew he had named her right,because she looked just like a rose,a tiny little bud that had not yet begun to bloom. He could see Rita's features in her,and she had his eyes. His baby girl had kept her eyes open in the little time she had lived,as if she wanted to take in everything about life she could, knowing she had only a short time.As much as it hurt,Chris could not stop looking at her picture....she was so beautiful,so amazing to him,even with the tubes that ran all around her....she was a miracle...a life he had helped to create.He saw tiny little wrist bands,two of them,one saying his name and the other saying Rita's.Chris picked his up ever so gently,fingering it,seeing his name listed as Rose Lorezo's father.
Also inside the box was a tiny soft cotton pink baby blanket,and a beautifully stitched handmade white gown. He knew the baby hadn't had a chance to wear it,and he decided she would be buried in this.It would truly make her look the angel she was..Under neath the blanket and gown were some papers,and on one Chris saw the tiniest of footprints,not even as big as the tip of his finger.She had been so very tiny......tears came to his eyes as he thought this.He sat there,all by himself in those bittersweet moments,and he grieved for a daughter he would never know,but had somehow come to love even so.
When he collected himself,he realized that maybe this was the answer he had been looking for. Rita needed to see these precious mementos...he knew if anything could touch her now,it would be these items
He would show them to her tomorrow,when they got home,and settled in.For the first time in days,Chris went to sleep with hope in his heart. The day after tomorrow,he would bury his baby daughter,and it would be the hardest thing he had ever done. He hoped Rita would be at his side,and his little girl would have her Mommy there to say goodbye to her.
Harry and Fran came to pick them both up and drive them home.Fran went up to Rita's room to help her,and Harry went to Chris's. It was arranged that they would all meet down in the lobby then. Chris was down first,and he sat in the required wheelchair and talked with the nurse who waited with him while Harry went for the car.As they talked the elevators opened,and a small crowd of people overflowed into the lobby. They were all surrounding woman in a wheelchair,and everyone seemed so happy and very excited. It was then that Chris noticed the woman in the wheelchair was holding a newborn baby,wrapped in a pink blanket like the one he had been given the night before. He noticed the lady's husband,as he leaned over and kissed his wifes cheek before leaving to get thier car.While Chris watched the scene with the grandparents and the new mother ,the elevator doors opened again,and he saw Franny first,and behind her came Rita and the nurse pushing her chair.It didn't take long for them to notice the floorshow,and Chris cringed .It was painful to watch the happy scene ...seeing things the way they should have been....and he wished the happy entourage would have left before Rita had gotten there.She sat watching them,not saying a word,but Chris couldn't take it anymore,knowing what he was feeling himself.Just as he stood to go over to her,he saw Harry pull up with the car. He walked over to Rita's chair and wheeled her outside ,mad as hell at the timing this hospital had.
"Mr Lorenzo...you shouldn't be doing that! The hospital policy requires that...."
Chris cut her off in midsentence,and the nurse heard pure venom in his voice now....thinking he had been so friendly earlier....and not understanding what was going on .
"I don't give a damn about your hospital policy!"
He and Fran helped Rita out of the chair and into the car...she seemed to be in a trance now,but Chris could see she was shaking badly.Once she was safely in,Chris turned to hand the chair back to the nurse who was still shocked at his earlier outburst,but was about to get another one.
"Does your damn hospital policy say anything about releasing a patient who just lost a baby at the same time as one who just had a baby!? Do you realize how insensitive that was?" Chris was angry,but he regretted right away the tone he used with the young nurse...it hadn't been her fault. She looked as if she was about to cry. Now she understood his outburst,and she couldn't agree more with him.
It does...sir....I'm sure thier was a mistake made somewhere.....I'm so very sorry!"
His voice was much softer now when he apologized himself to her.He walked away from her,wondering just where that sudden anger had come from.During the drive home,a word wasn't said by anyone,all lost in thier own thoughts.Chris reached over to Rita,taking her limp hand into his,and held it all the way home. She just sat,staring out the window,never even acknowledging in one way or another that her hand was in his. For some reason,this worried Chris more then if she had just pulled it away,as he had expected of her.
Chris had asked Harry and Franny for help in moving out some of the baby things they had already gotten. He didn't want to come home to them,and he sure didn't want Rita to be confronted with them either.He was thankful now that he had thought of that,because the incident at the hospital still was bothering them both.He watched as Rita went up the stairs to thier bedroom now,and then turned to Cap and Franny.
"Thank you,Cap,Fran....for all the help you too have been ...for me..and for her.I know I couldn't have gotten this far without either of you...I want you to know that."
Fran sniffled at his comment,but then came over to him,embracing him in a hug.She and Harry had decided that she would stay with Chris and Rita for a few days until Chris was stronger.Now ,however,she decided that she would come back later that night. Chris and Rita needed to spend some time together alone first.
Chris clung onto Franny,and she let him. Then Harry came up to Chris and took him into a hug. He only needed to give Chris a quick squeeze before Chris understood his message. These people were here for him and his wife while his own parents hadn't even called yet.
After the elder couple left,Chris went upstairs to check on Rita.He saw that she had fallen asleep,and feeling exhausted himself,he joined her. Laying down with her on thier bed,he spooned himself up against his wife,and took her into his arms,wishing that time could stand still just as it was. He was afraid at first when Rita rolled over,but then she nestled herself into his arms,her head under his chin and her hand on his chest. It was a habit that in her sleep,she had no control over.Chris tightened his hold on her,and layed back listening to the sound of her breathing as he drifted asleep himself.
He was awkened a short time later when he heard her crying.He saw that she was still asleep,and he gently tried to waken her.
She was walking on the beach with Chris.......and in her arms she carried thier baby.They were laughing.....but then she saw the huge tidal wave...it was growing bigger and bigger,coming closer to the shore,threatening to crash down on them,and they had to run from it. .Chris took thier baby from her,and they began to run..she was getting further and further away from the wave .Then she turned,but she couldn't find Chris or the baby anymore. They were still back by the shore,and Chris was screaming for her to stop. She saw they were stuck on something...something was holding them down,and they couldn't get away from the danger about to crash down on them. She ran back to help them. She saw Chris's foot was tangled with a weed that had wrapped itself around a head stone...a headstone with her fathers name on it....why was it there,she wondered...why was it at the beach? Chris was stuck,and she couldn't untangle him,as hard as she tried. He handed her thier baby back to her,yelling for to run,to save herself and the baby....and she did.......The wave came crashing down on Chris...and she screamed.....and then she saw her arms were empty....she had dropped the baby! Where was the baby? She stood crying as she watched Chris and then her baby be carried out to the sea with the tide. She saw them drifting further and further away from her,and she screamed for them to come back.............
"Rita!....Wake up,it's just a dream,honey....you have to wake up...Rita"
She heard him calling to her then.....she was beginning to wake up...but now she became confused...she had been dreaming...Chris was right there beside her....like she knew he would be....it had all been a dream after all...he had never been shot...she had never lost thier baby....and the wave had never come.She reached for Chris and she cried,but it was only a few seconds before she became awake enough to know that she hadn't dreamed it all. Some of it had been real.
Chris knew she was confused....she clung on to him as if she were clinging on for her own life,and he thought in a way she was.He held her,whispering soft comforting words until her sobs subsided,and she pulled back from him. He thought he saw a flicker of the old Rita in her eyes,and they looked desperately to him for help,before the solid steele shield slammed down once again.She turned away from him,and he knew that it was time to show her the contents in the box.He left the bedroom only for a minute,but when he came back,she had already composed herself into the frigid woman she had been over the last couple days.
He carried the box over ,and set it down on the bed in front of her.
"I was given this last night.I think you should look in it."
She looked at the box,but he saw right away that she already knew what it was.
"I told them we didn't want it...why did they give it to you,"
"Rita...I am her father...I'm glad we have these things.You should look at them yourself."
"You WERE her father." She said sharply ,and her words cut into him.
"AND YOU WERE HER MOTHER!" he felt a rage build within him towards her now,and he hated himself for it...but he also hated the way she was right then.He softened his voice to reason with her.
"Look Rita...I'm sorry...but you can't forget about her...you know that. No matter how hard you try,she will never go away the way you want.Accept that,Sammy..." He shouldn't have said that...he saw it as soon as the word slipped his mouth. It was a habit hard to break,and it was one he never wanted to anyway. He could see how much it hurt her when he said it. Did she even know he had changed the babys name?
"Rita....I named her Rose...not Samantha. Rose Lance Lorenzo. I just couldn't use Samantha.... Rita...you should see her picture. She is so beautiful."
Rita looked at the box. He saw her take it into her hands,and his heart began to beat a bit faster,thinking she would open it. Instead she stood and shoved the box into his hands.
"Chris...I don't give a damn what you named her. I told you I wanted nothing to do with those arrangements. I don't want your box...and I don't want to know her name,or talk about her.!"
"Rita! She is your daughter...she was apart of you...you are her mother...The very least she deserves out of her brief life is a mother who cares enough to grieve for her.! Why can't you do that?"
She was at the bedroom door now.She turned to him,giving him her answer to his question.
" She deserved a life Chris...She deserved a mother who could give her that life."
That was all she said before she walked out the bedroom door. Chris watched her leave.He remained upstairs a few minutes longer to give them both some time to collect themselves again.When he went down stairs,he saw her note,quickly scrawled .
Chris...I'm moving back to my apartment for now. I'll come for the rest of my things later. I have another job offer,and I think that it's best for us both now if I take it. I'm sorry Chris...this just isn't going to work anymore.We both married because of the baby...if your honest with yourself,you'll admit to that. Our marriage is over Chris.It has to be this way,please try to understand. Rita
She left him! A sorrow quickly filled his heart,but the anger in him that had kept rearing it's ugly head earlier,now exploded.
"DAMN YOU RITA!!! You can't do this!"
He picked up a picture of them that had been close by ,and held it to his chest before sudenly flinging it against the wall. The glass shattered,and Chris went over to it now,and saw the picture. It had been one of his favorites of them. it. They had been so happy then.He bent down to pick up the broken slivers of glass that covered the picture,and he began to cry.A week ago,he had been the happiest man alive,and now he felt as if he had nothing left to live for anymore.So much had changed.
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